


Higgsbury Total Landscaping

by Rhysbees



Category: Don't Starve (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Crack, F/M, Four Seasons Total Landscaping AU, M/M, between a crematorium and a sex shop, i wrote this in zoom class, image in fic im so sorry mobile users, one explicit reference to a sexual act, political joke, rudy giuliani (mentioned)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-13
Updated: 2020-11-13
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:21:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27547504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rhysbees/pseuds/Rhysbees
Summary: Four Seasons Total Landscaping AUNeed I say anything else?
Relationships: Charlie/Maxwell/Wilson (Don't Starve)
Comments: 5
Kudos: 15





	Higgsbury Total Landscaping

In all of his years of owning a landscaping business, Wilson P Higgsbury never thought he would ever have something as crazy as Rudy Giuliani speaking in his back parking lot. Yet, here he was, standing next to his two neighbours a little ways away from the real actual press conference unfolding at his literal doorstep. 

“I thought it was a prank call.” 

His neighbour to the left, Charlie pats his back. 

“Cheer up, Wilson! At least it’s free advertising.” 

Wilson heaves a sigh. “I guess.” He looks around and finds his other neighbour missing. “Where’s Maxwell?”

Charlie bites back a grin. “Passing out coupons.” 

Wilson squints into the crowd and sure enough there is a well dressed man in a purple pinstripe attempting to foist off badly laminated cards bearing the words “Carter’s Carnal Creations 10% off” to the crowd as well as the press. 

“My God he really is.” 

“He wants to get on TV.” 

“Of course he does.” 

“How long will this thing be going?”

Wilson shrugs. “I wouldn’t think for more than another ten minutes.” 

Charlie looks disappointed. “Shit. I don’t have time to go inside to the printer then. I kinda wanted to make coupons too.”

“Ah well. Learning experience. Next time Rudy Giuliani speaks here you’ll be prepared.” 

Charlie levels him a blank stare. “You’d let Rudy Giuliani speak here again?” 

Wilson grins. “Yeah absolutely! I mean. They paid to rent the space, and it’s a bad look for them and a free advertisement for me.” 

“I suppose so.” 

After a Giuliani departs, the press slowly disperses. Unfortunately for Maxwell, he does not make it on TV. He doesn’t let that upset him, however and he waltzes back over to the group, arms spread out wide. 

“God BLESS America I LOVE this country!” 

With the eyes of the press now gone, Charlie releases her suppressed laughter in heaving guffaws. Wilson pinches the bridge of his nose. “I need a drink. Do you guys want to get drinks? Actually. I don’t give a fuck if you come with. I need a drink.” 

Charlie flashes him a thumbs up from where she’s leaning against Maxwell - laughing so hard that tears are streaking her mascara. Maxwell sighs, “I’ll drive.” 

They soon find themselves as a shitty bar. Wilson, having had time to process the day as well as time to process a few drinks is much more chatty about the events of the afternoon. “I swear to God I thought it was a prank call. What the fuck! What the actual shit!” 

Maxwell shrugs. “I will never hope to understand the politics of this country.” 

“Oh shut up we get it you’re British. You know that’s worse right? Being British is worse?”

“Oh shove off! Boris Johnson is not worse than Trump! They’re both horrible people.” 

“Boris Johnson didn’t book a landscaping business for a press conference. Ipso Facto being British is worse.” 

“I-“

Charlie cuts them off. “Hey, we should sell merch!” 

Maxwell looks affronted at being interrupted, but Wilson looks over, interested. 

“Merch?”

“You know- like tee shirts or something. To commemorate the event? You have a website right? We can put coupons for our stores on there too.” 

“Oh I see you want to capitalise on _my_ success in hosting _prestigious_ press conferences to promote _your_ funeral home.” 

“I’m a businesswoman at heart.” 

They do, in fact, make merch. 

The next day sees them huddled around Wilson’s dining room table as Maxwell sketches out potential designs and Charlie and Wilson workshop slogans and puns. 

“Is a drain the swamp pun too dated?”

“No, I don’t think so.” 

“Hmmm” 

They eventually decide on a few absolutely tasteless designs which unsurprisingly sell very well. The resulting traffic to Wilson’s website actually crashes the thing for a few hours, much to his dismay. As a relatively private man, he finds himself staying over at Maxwell or Charlie’s more than his own home - located above his business - as tourists swarm the place in the days following the event. 

While he had been what he liked to call “work friends” with the duo prior to the event, the unlikely circumstances find him spending much more time with them even after the initial hubbub dies down and, in the weeks following, he get’s to know them fairly well. Charlie, to his left, owns the Rose Funeral Home and Crematorium. She is a very polite and elegant woman with a sharp wit and an infectious laugh. To his right is Maxwell, owner of Carter’s Carnal Creations. While certainly as well-dressed as Charlie, he is neither polite nor elegant. He has the business demeanour of a snobbish artist turned snake oil salesman, and his real personality isn’t very far detached. The two make a rather unlikely couple that are surprisingly very good company and even better friends. 

One evening in mid-December finds Wilson once again at Maxwell’s house. The three of them sip eggnog as light snow falls outside. There is a comfortable silence until Maxwell looks at Charlie meaningfully and she clears her throat. 

“Wilson?”

He looks up from his book. “Yes?”

“Maxwell and I have been meaning to ask you something.” 

Wilson shuts his book and sets it aside. 

“What’s up?”

“Well... As you know... We aren’t exactly. Monogamous. And in these past few weeks we both have found ourselves very attached to you. You’re a very smart man, and a good businessman, and you have a wonderfully fun sense of humour. You’re well read and we enjoy your company very much. What we mean to say is... Would you consider joining us as a partner?”

Wilson isn’t exactly surprised by the question though he is surprised by who asked it. While Maxwell wasn’t one to hide his opinions on the subject of his attractions any _anyone,_ he hadn’t anticipated Charlie’s attraction as well. He blushes. “I... Yes! I certainly will do more than consider it.” 

The three spend the rest of the evening curled up together on Maxwell’s couch. After they turn in for the night, Maxwell gets absolutely spit-roasted by Wilson and Charlie with the strap. Who would have thought that a political failure could lead to something so beautiful. 

The End 


End file.
